Things I've Learned On The Road Of Grief

Things I've Learned on My Grief Journey

• My personal journey doesn't reflect everyone's journey, nor should it.
• But so close to the one year anniversary with another loss added, 
• I wanted to write about the things I've experienced on the road I'm walking.

The road of grief seems to come with crazy side effects...

Cloud of Anger

• It's electrically charged, sparking and swirling above my head. A product of grief initially with no target.
• My grief group let me realize I wasn't alone in dealing with this phenomenon. 
• Mostly it landed on people within my vicinity, whom I already had trouble dealing with before the loss, making it feel very justified in the moment. 
• It made my re-actions to them more extreme.  
• As in, one night, I was doing 100s of jumping jacks in the living room to get some relief from this anger. 
• Exercise was my best friend with this. 
• It also made me aware that some of the anger directed at me, came from others dealing with their loss.

I Care Less About Stranger's Opinions of Me.

• I'm by nature a people pleaser. 
• But my loss made me less of one to people whom I don't consider to be close to me. 
• Suddenly the opinions of those closest to me mattered more than ever, 
• but strangers were just that, strangers. 
• Life is too short to try to make everyone happy all the time.

Desire for Danger or Risk

• I want to head out there and do something. 
• Not jump out of a plane because that's terrifying, 
• But go places, talk to strangers, make things happen that may have terrified me before.
• For my brother it was to ride a motorcycle around L.A.

Gallows Humor

• Inappropriate jokes about death. And other things. 
• These came because if I wasn't laughing at the awfulness of losing someone, I would've been crying.

Excessive Behavior

• It can come many forms: drinking to much, over-eating, dating recklessly. 
• For me it came in the form of  going to movies. 
• It makes me happy. 
• When the pain drains away happiness, we look for things that make us feel better.
• I watched many many movies, at the theater

Coping Mechanisms

• Excessive grocery shopping,
• stalking up, so I can feed myself and  others, so I do not have to go back to the store for a long time.
• I played a video game every night til I beat it. 
• I fill my  half full tank with gas so I don't have to think about it later.
• I call up friends, make food, and have them over. 
• I ask people to pray for me. 
• I cancel on events I'm invited to, because staying home is easier. 
• I brewed more tea, went on more walks, went to a grief group, started counseling. 
• I cry. 
• I talk about it, I don't talk about it. 
• I throw things 
• rocks at trees, 
• pillows at the ceiling, etc. 
• I hug everyone I know! 
• These were all things I needed, and still need, and I let myself have them.

Being Tired

• There were days where taking out the trash was way too much.
• There are still days where I just want to curl up and not do whatever needs doing
• These feelings are normal. 
• Cut your self some slack, it's okay to let some things slide.
• Not sleeping well,
• Was common for a long while

Re-Evaluating Life

• I took a good hard look at what I was doing, what I wanted to be doing, and what was standing in my way to reach what I want. 
• But because I was already out in LA living the starving artist dream, it didn't change my trajectory much.

Holding on to a Hope

• I went to a grief group and was told hope is very important. 
• A hope, a thing, that could happen in my future, that makes me happy to dream about. 
• For me, it's finding a great guy and one day starting my own family. 
• I can't even guess when this will really happen, 
• If there's one thing I've learned, I have no control over anything. 
• But it's still nice to think about from time to time.

Realizing Death is Terrible

• I don't think of death as natural. 
• It's awful, terrible, and insidious. 
• We were not designed for death, we were made for life. 
• According to my beliefs we were made to walk with God for eternity.
• Sin cut that short.
• Forgiveness through Jesus gives us heaven, 
• But we are still stuck in the constraints of time and loss til then. 
• So death hurts, is not what we are meant for, and feels very very wrong, because it is.

These are some thoughts I've had, on my journey. And it barely scrapes the surface.