Sexuality and The Christian Woman

The Shame Of Waiting

• I was in a room full of single Christian women in their 20s -40s. 
• Two camps became clear. 
• Women who had sex before marriage 
• and felt shame.
•  And women who were virgins  (still waiting)...
• who felt shame.
• The women who had sex before marriage, their story has been told many times. 
• And it's an important story. 
• One full of love and grace 
• But in this blog I'm going to highlight the women who have been and are still waiting.
• And look at where the shame comes from, and what we can do about it

• Some Reasons Why Women Wait:
• The Bible tells us to
• The church tells us to
• The high school youth leader told us to
• We choose it
• We know it's right
• 'Our body is our temple'
• If you are like me, you have waited. 
• And you graduate high school, without a boyfriend, but no worries you were told, “In college you'll meet a great guy.” 
• And college passes and no man comes out of the woodwork and declares his undying love. 
• So you move away from campus and start your life after college. 
• And you start dating, a lot. 
• But still you haven't found a man whom you love, who loves you that has gotten down on one knee.
• You're past the age where most people get married. 
• You know people a decade younger then you with sex lives, marriage partners and babies. 
• Suddenly, this waiting thing, is giving you second thoughts, and third thoughts. 
• What happened? 
• You waited, you prayed, you wrote in the personal journal for your future husband, you wore the ring, and no handsome Christian man found you desirable enough to sweep you off your feet and lead you to your wedding bed? 
• And your sex life, may only be a sex minute when you meet some guy in a nursing home and you both marry before dementia sets in. 
• Okay so maybe it doesn't look that bleak, but today with my fuzzy tube socks on, a pan of brownies half eaten, and While You Were Sleeping playing for the 13^th time it sure feels like it.

• Then it sets in. 
• The what have I done wrong? 
• Am I really living my life the way I was meant to? 
• Why do all the women with these amazing conversion stories also find amazing Christian men? 
• While I, who have stuck close to God, end up attending their weddings?
• Why as women who have waited are we prone to shame? 
• We're obeying God, parents, youth leaders, and that over bearing lady down at the church. 
• What happened?

• What brings shame? 
• Lies are attached most sharply to shame. 
• Lies like these: 
• As a woman I'm not desirable unless a man I crush on returns those feelings. 
• As a woman I'm not valuable unless an attractive man wants to have sex with me. 
• As a woman I'm not valuable till I get to wear a big expensive white dress and feed all my friends overpriced cake. 
• As a woman I should only think of the wedding, never the wedding night. 
• As a woman I have the sole responsibility of keeping the men around me pure. 
• As a woman I'm not valuable unless I look like the TV star. 
• By the way that TV star wishes she looked like that Pop Star, who wishes she looked like that model, who wishes she was like the other model, who wishes she looked like her pictures.
• There are so many lies!!
• What lie are you believing?
• Where did those lies come from?
• Culture, well meaning books, blogs, experience, our churches?
• We might have stopped making our choice about our sex lives somewhere in the mix. 
• We depended on others, 'wiser than us,' to give us the guidance we needed. 
• Then we started resenting those voices. 
• The ones that told us, 
• Women never think about sex, 
• and your bra strap will make a man stumble and fall into a pit of sin and alligators. 
• And woman are 100% responsible if a man gets chewed up by alligators. 
• This voice needs to be shed, 
• Freedom needs to be gained. 
• AND we also need to be wise. 
• There were bad things told to us by the church, 
• old wives tales, 
• culturally unpleasant views of women, 
• and hurtful words were said about two piece bathing suits. 
• And truths were told to us as well. 
• We were told that Jesus died on the cross for our sins.
• That we are  "fearfully and wonderfully made."
• That our lives our valuable
• Not all the church's things should be thrown out the window just because the walls are painted a putrid yellow. 
• We are adults now. 
• So, it's time to pan for gold through the old and choose what we believe. 
• But we can do it with wisdom, We can... 
• Pull up that Bible app and look some stuff up, 
• Ask a trusted voice who we've chosen to respect. 
• Culturally we are told whatever we believe is true for ourselves.
• And that is a trap. 
• I can believe all I want that slicing my finger with a knife won't hurt. 
• But it will.
• Wisdom is knowing there are both lies and truths.

• And now for a Frozen reference:
• Elsa sang 'let it go', and we cheered her on. 
• But her running away and finding freedom from the things that controlled her, didn't actually end the movie. 
• She had to go back. 
• Finding our sexual freedom doesn't mean our relationship with God, the church (it doesn't have to be the same church), and abstinence are over. 
• It just means we step away for a minute and analyze our current state of beliefs, fears, and thoughts on the matter. 
• We are getting some much needed perspective. 
• And afterward we need to go back to that community.
• When we sigh and wish that we had caved sooner or that we should now cave, 
• We are lying to ourselves that a man could bring lasting fulfillment. 
• Even when we fixate on our future married love-life as the ultimate experience.., 
• We are expecting that a man, a future husband, a woodworking lumberjack with long eyelashes and penchant for lifting heavy objects is going to help us a find our sexuality. 
• We think that between the sheets lies our key to realizing our sexual potential and identity as people. 
• If we hope to find our sexual confidence as women in the arms of a man, it will eventually fail us.
• We are broken, and so are men. 
• No matter how much they feed into us, they can't fix it. 
• Only God can bring healing, and relief from lies.
• So,  now what?
• You find your sexual identity with God.
• Have a dress up party at your apartment. 
• Buy yourself a lacy bra, 
• don't give in to the lie that you're a certain kind of girl for wearing it. 
• A friend gave me a pair of lacy black underwear after she got married, because and I quote, “It boosts your confidence, and no one has to know.” 
• After I got over my initial shock, 
• I found that she was right. 
• Look at yourself in-front of a mirror and thank God for five things he has gifted you with. 
• The lie would be this is pride, no, it's being thankful for  and appreciating the creators handiwork. 
• The other lie here might be that that you don't have five things. 
• You have five things,
• Heck you're made in God's image, you have hundreds! 
• If you really can't come up with anything, ask a trusted friend. 
• If you're a girl who never wears ________.---think about why you never wear it. 
• Is it a personal choice? 
•  then fantastic!! 
• Is it because you know your own body, and are aware of what does flatter?
•  Awesome!
• Or is it because you've attached a lie to it. 
• Only a certain type of girl wears it? 
• I'm not ______ enough to wear it? 
• Go to a thrift store and spend $5 get an outfit you would never wear, and wear it in your apartment. 
• Go to a lingerie store and try some on, figure out what you like and what works for you 
• It's not about men making us sexy, it's about finding confidence in what God gave us. 
• Find and address the lies, 
• Invite God in. 
• Invite friends in. Walk through it together. Find freedom in becoming confidant in the sexual being God created you to be. 
• But do it without the shirtless playboy baron, he gets busy and stressed and can't always perform the way we really want him to anyways.

• Pre-marital sex is not a solution to our shame. 
• Nor is it a cure for the grief over the sex life that has not started yet. 
• Nor does it heal the wounds that a well intentioned church has caused. 
• Pre-marital sex, is pre-marital sex and it brings its own set of baggage. 
• We are doing our future sex lives a favor, when while waiting, we work on being comfortable in our skin.